A Planned Induction

I got married very young. Two days after my 18th birthday, to be exact. Three months after I graduated high school. When I was starting my little family, the majority of my high school friends were just starting college or preparing for missions.

 Now I've had two children, and  everyone is coming home from missions, getting married, just having their first child, or announcing pregnancies. I swear it's in the air and I feel way ahead of the game.

In the last week I've been thinking a lot about my own birth experiences. I am obsessed with birth stories. Everything from C-sections to home births. I find them empowering and full of the very stuff of motherhood. I've watched every episode of Call the Midwife on Netflix at least twice. I read the Birth Without Fear blog posts every chance I get. And I've noticed that a lot of moms seem to categorize birth in a "good, better, best" order. 

The Friday before I was induced with my first son, Andrew, a dear friend offered to take my husband and I out to dinner to celebrate our last weekend as just us. Near the end of the meal, a waitress at the restaurant overheard that I was being induced the following Tuesday. She looked at me like I told her I ate nails for breakfast. 

"Why would you...?" She caught herself and began again, shaking her head.

"Why not go into labor on your own? Why would you want all of that interferance?" 

I was not prepared to answer this question. I had no idea that my choice to be induced was a granola mommy no-no.

 I waffled out a quick version of how sick I had been and that I was already dilated to a four and it was a choice I made with my doctor. 

What I SHOULD have said was that it was none if her business. How dare a mother look down on another mother for the way she chooses to give birth? 

What I wish I had said was that I made this choice because it felt right for me. I didn't just go with it because my doctor suggested it. He would have let me do it however I wanted. The truth was that going into labor on my own terrified me. I trusted my doctor and I wanted him and my husband to be there. I didn't want an on-call doctor or to have my baby in a random place. What if a complication arose? My mother and my mother-in-law both say that if they had not delivered in a hospital a few of their children would not have made it. That terrified me. 

Yes, I have seen The Business of Being Born. Twice. But I still felt an induction was better for me. Being induced sounded better. I knew the exact(ish) day my baby would come. I could physically and mentally prepare, especially with my bad anxiety.

 I could choose an epidural or not before the pain got too intense. My doctor and husband would be right there in case something happened. But most importantly, my husband and I prayed about it together. I was given a beautiful priesthood blessing and I knew this was the birth I wanted. A birth without fear.

Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with natural births. I seriously admire the women that do. It's not for me, but if you can do it I say more power to you! It's what our bodies were made to do. It's fascinating and beautiful and powerful. But so were my births.

 They were calm. They were peaceful. I got to chat with my husband, talk to my baby and read. The spirit in the room was overwhelming and touched my heart. I had an epidural both times and both were great experiences. No pain but I could still feel things. The only time I was in pain was right before it was time to push. During both deliveries as my hips widened for baby to move down I felt an uncomfortable and intense pain in my left hip that I fractured before my senior year of high school. If I could feel that pain through the epidural I don't even want to think about what it would have been like without it. 

My labors were fast. I was dilated to a four the first time and a five the second time before they even started the pitocen. They were 6 and 7 easy hours followed by 20 minutes of pushing. The only times I was ever scared was when I saw my babies but didn't hear a cry. Drew was just very calm. He was breathing fine, but he was so silent. His big blue eyes were too busy taking in his new surroundings. Benjamin wasn't breathing but after a minute he let out a very angry scream. 

(Telling Benjamin all about his big brother, who was about to come in and meet him.) 

I once heard that getting an epidural drugs the baby and makes them sleepy during their first moments of life. This is very false. Both my boys were very awake and alert. And I know a lot of moms complain about back pain from epidurals but I have not had any problems. 

(Andrew less than 20 minutes old.)

Now, I KNOW not every induction goes as well as mine. Some have been very traumatic and scary for some women. I loved my births. They were perfect for me. And I hope all of my deliveries to come will be like my first two. 

And yes, even C-sections are so beautiful. I feel like a lot of moms I talk to feel like they need to explain themselves if they have a C-section like formula feeding moms feel like they need to explain their feeding choice. It's no one's business. I do feel like doctors sometimes push C-sections more than they should. But a lot of moms don't plan on it, but it saves their life or their baby's life. Some even choose it! How you have your baby doesn't make you less of a woman or mother. C-sections can and are just as beautiful and empowering as a natural birth.

 "Sometimes, despite all our preparation, planning, and the righteous desires of our hearts, things can't happen as we hoped. Not many people get the exact birth they imagined, but we usually get the exact birth we (mother and baby) needed. The important thing is to remember that every birth is a miracle and no one should feel like less of a woman because her baby needed to come a certain way." (The Gift of Giving Life, Creating a Sacred Cesarian Section by Sheridan Ripley.)  

I think C-section moms are strong. I know the pain after having one is not something easy to go through. Every mother is different, every situation is different, every birth is different. (MYOB!) Sometimes things don't go as planned. That is just life. But we DO have control over how we handle the situation presented to us... To a degree. (I'll talk more about that when I talk about my postpartum depression.) Birth is not good, better and best. It's what is best for YOU. It's about support and love and bringing a brand new life into this world!

Having a baby is a sacred experience. No matter how it happens. 

Yes, I had two planned inductions. Both at 39 weeks. Both were to end my battle with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Both were to ease my mind. Both were beautiful, wonderful experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything. They were perfect for me. 

Cloudy with a chance of Some day

I've had this title floating around in my head for months. Long before this blog was even a possibility. I thought it would be more of a title in my journal but I decided to put it here instead.

Cloudy with a chance of someday......what could it possibly mean? I'll tell you what it means to me.
For sometime this is how my life felt to me. I knew I wanted to make some changes in my life, try something new or different but I didn't know where to start and being a mom there were always more important things I needed to take care of and the thoughts got pushed into the back of my mind for someday.

Then one day I decided WHY NOT? That has become my personal mantra I guess you could call it for the year. Why not? Let me explain.

When I found out about a job opportunity with Minky Couture my husband and I were both pretty hesitant but we needed the money. I wasn't the best on the sewing machine but I could hold my own. I'm not one to just come out and tell someone I'm good and I know they could count on me, I absolutely hate job interviews just for that reason. When my friend told me about the job and how to apply I thought "why not?" what did I have to lose? That was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have met some amazing people, learned some amazing things, support my family while being a stay at home mom. All because of "why not"

I still felt like I had this cloudy feeling with a I'll get around to it someday feeling which in my world is never a good thing.

A few weeks later I was still struggling. I remember thinking I knew there was something I wanted to do and just couldn't put my finger on it. So one day I was talking to a friend. Our girls are the same age but she has been married quite a bit longer than I have. She told me a long time ago she made up a "bucket list" of sorts. Just a list of things she has always wanted to do. She said once she began crossing things off her list she was so happy and felt like she was more than just wife and mom.

I decided "why not" one morning I was laying in bed thinking about how awesome my life was, I have a great job a great husband and daughter, a son on the way and a roof over our heads but for some reason I felt like there was something more I could be doing,wanted to be doing.
I pulled out a notebook and started on my list. Here is a peek :)
Save for a new computer
Start a blog
Start running
Start a business.

I always tend to be that person that just sits back while others do things I have always wanted to do then feel jealous because they did it and I didn't it when in all reality it was my fault because I didn't do anything about it.
Then  I thought why not? I met some great ladies and got this blog going which has been awesome and I have learned some amazing things.
Now for the business.....I've been rolling things around in my head for a while but lets face it in Utah things are hard when you try to do them from home because every one does them. Then I thought so what I'm going to do it any way.
I thought of something I loved something that was fun for me and the thought came to me......Crochet. Crochet saved my life a few years ago (a post for another day) I used to get made fun of for it but I decided I was sick of caring what people think (easier said than done) so I called up a friend and ran an idea by her and one thing led to another and Lotsaloopsies was born!
I have never been so proud of something. This shop is my pride and joy. We make and sell custom made crochet hats. We will soon be adding more than just hats. It has forced me to come out of my shell and learn to design. Here are some examples of my designs.

I love seeing kids faces when they put them on for the first time (especially my own daughter) it has been so fun and such a great stress reliever. It's every thing I have ever hoped for 

Our website is

www.lotsaloopsies.com and fp page is

https://www.facebook.com/lotsaloopsies

I would love for you to come and see what we have been working so hard on :)

So that is my story how my cloudy with a chance of some day began to show a little sunshine.

 I would love to hear yours

First year of motherhood

My oldest turned 5 today. I still can't believe it. I can't believe 5 years ago I was just learning all about this whole mommy thing. I don't want to say I'm the best mom and that I have it all figured out today, but I'm doing the best I can and that's ok with me. Here is something I wrote when she turned one. That first year is a crazy one!!!



One year to the minute I was in my 7th hour of labor. I was crying from pain. (remember I didn't get an epi until 12 hours in...). I was scared to death that these 9 months had come and gone. I was going to have to be responsible for more than just myself. I was going to have a screaming (hopefully), beautiful (obviously) baby girl (if all predictions were right). I was finally able to see this precious bundle in all her glory: touch her soft skin, smell her sweet smell. I also was coming to the reality that I now had to share her. She was no longer just mine, she would soon be the worlds. Daddy would want to see her, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, friends. She no longer would be "my baby." I was going to be alone again (kinda). One year ago, I had heard of all the changes in my life that were about to come forth. I knew as soon as I saw her "I'd fall in love." I didn't know how deep that love could be, what it could make you do.



I didn't know the deep gratitude I would have to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such an amazing miracle. I didn't know that I would one day be covered in poop, spit up, pee, yet be smiling and laughing, for my daughter laughed at her diaper flinging across the room. I didn't know that signing the discharge papers for her as "mother" would throw chills down my spine. One year ago, I wasn't aware of this secret club going on known as motherhood. One year ago I was so excited that I wouldn't be responsible for anything bad that would happen because of my diabetes. Having her out of me, in my vision, was going to be such a relief. Now, I would give anything to be able to protect her that way again. I wish I could cover her up every time she fell. I wish I could eat 3 meals a day, drink water, and get enough sleep and know I was doing everything in my power to protect her. Now, I only wish it was that simple.


A year ago, I never cared about babies. I had never changed a diaper. I had never held a newborn longer than a minute, let alone change its clothes or burped it. I didn't know breastfeeding would be one of the hardest challenges I'd face this year, but one of the most rewarding when we were finally successful. I didn't know I would cry when I no longer produced enough milk to satisfy her and I knew these moments that were just ours were going to be over forever. I never know how much I could cry and cry and cry about her reaching a milestone, because it meant that she had finally succeeded, but was also getting more independent with each one.


I didn't realize how she would change my relationship with my husband. We have learned to compromise. We have learned to care about more than just ourselves. I have learned that I married one of the kindest men out there. He is so in love with Zoey. A year ago, I didn't know how much I wouldn't mind seeing him light up when he kissed another girl--how much I would love seeing his eyes look only at her in a way I have never seen before. I was scared of loosing "us." We never lost us, we just made it better. I didn't know how much I'd hate going in public with him and not have my darling daughter, because people wouldn't know that I'm a mom, he is a dad. They wouldn't know this sweet little girl was mine. I didn't realize I'd feel guilty of being somewhere and they not know I'm a mom.


I've been bit, puked on, pooped on, kicked, and bonked. I've been attacked with kisses and ran to as soon as I walked in the room. I've been loved in a way I'll never be able to explain. I've had my heart riped out, only to beat in another. I've felt God's love on this earth. I've seen the world in a new, amazing light. I am honored to be called a mom, and be blessed with such an amazing daughter. I now know what love is, what it can do. I am eternally grateful to be able to say that yes, this crazy, screaming, opinionated little girl is mine.

My Post About Anxiety

I'll be honest... I've been having major anxiety about this post! It'sThursday night, my post is due in the morning and I have written about four different posts in attempt to avoid this one. But I am getting a good feeling about it so I'm just grabbing a thread and pulling and hopefully this will unravel well. 

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. My mom will tell you all about how I wouldn't color pictures when I was little because my anxiety was so bad I was afraid I would mess up.

 I remember having anxiety about school. There wasn't a logical reason for me to stress about it. Nothing bad usually happened. But I wold wake up and be so anxious about it that sometimes I would make myself sick. 

My anxiety has held me back a lot more than I would like to admit. It drives my carefree, outgoing, and adventurous husband crazy. I've turned down writing opportunities, missed fun parties, and even job opportunities, just because I have social anxiety. If I run into you and I seem awkward at first it is because I'm trying to calm down. I do better when I have Tyler or someone I'm close to with me.

My stomach churns like butter. My heart starts to pound and I feel light headed. Sometimes I shake. Sometimes I throw up. And since I became a mom my list of anxiety triggers has nearly tripled. 

I decided I would make a great hermit if my husband would let me. But thankfully he is trying to help me with my mental illness. He encourages me to get out, to speak out, to write, and to socialize. He was the one who pushed me to join this mommy blog and I don't regret it!

 Some days it is harder than others. Somedays I just want him to make all the phone calls, go to all the appointments, go to the store, and go to friend barbecues while I stay home and read. But he says book characters don't count as real friends. Sometimes he has practically dragged me to places and by the end of the night I'm thanking him for making me come because I had a wonderful time! I sometimes hate it when he is right. 

Being a mom with anxiety is hard. When I have an anxiety attack I do not want to do anything. My house becomes a mess, and I serve cereal for dinner. Instead of crafting after bedtime, I curl up in my bed and attempt to calm myself down. Lately my anxiety has been keeping me up late into the night and sometimes in the early morning. Once the attack is over I'm exhausted and the few hours of sleep I get isn't enough to refresh me before my children awake. Then the following day is hard because I am fighting to keep my eyes open. It can take me a few days to fully recover, as long as I don't have another attack. 

So I recently asked a few friends that struggle with anxiety what they do to control it. The answers ranged from blowing on your thumb, to devouring fancy chocolate. But the most common answers had to do with distraction. Do something -ANYTHING-other than sit and stew in your own worry. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. Go  for a walk, write, clean, play a distracting game, blast music, pick up a good book, etc. One tip that really helps me is to voice my anxiety out loud. I say it in great detail. I even exaggerate. I do it a few times and by the third or fourth time I realize how silly it sounds and I'm able to calm down. But that doesn't always work. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm freaking out about. 

We have discussed the idea of putting me on medication to help control it. As of right now I have yet to talk to my doctor about it... Because it sets off my anxiety thinking about it. But I'm trying to find a better way to help control it, especially on those days I have a hard time functioning. 

So that's my anxiety story. It's not much. It is still hard to talk about it because it still happens so often, and I don't want to be seen as weak or like a crazy worry wart. But I really felt like I needed to talk about it tonight. Don't be too surprised if I decide to address it again later. 

Happy Fun Friday! 

-Ree

Modern Cloth Diapering Momma

  So many people know and some don't that I cloth diaper my two kids. I think for most people when referring to cloth diapers they think of this...

am I right? You think of a burp cloth and safety pins and probably plastic pants and most mothers used these until main stream disposable diapers came about and were more affordable in the 70s.  I also thought of this when i would hear the word cloth diaper.  I can assure you cloth diapering has come a long way.. there are so many different brands, prints and ways to do cloth diapering if you choose. These are the reasons I do it....

    First reason  So affordable!  I got pregnant with my 2nd child when my 1st child was only 7 m old. Not only did we have medical bills piling up, but i was forced to become a stay at home mom to keep my first born healthy. So money was tight and I still dont know how we get/got through, but the thought of diapering another added more dollar signs and cost to our already tight budget. I had already been trying to save money by making my sons baby food. When I had posted my savings about making my own baby food and how excited I was my friend and old co worker mentioned cloth diapering. I was able to get One cloth diaper for $5 that was including the inserts or absorption you put in them. I would only need to get enough diapers for about 2 days. For two kids in diapers I estimated about 10 diapers a day so 20 diapers for 2 days and with 2 in diapers I would need about 40 diapers. Thats only around $200 dollars! That would easily be spent  in one month of having two in diapers with disposables. I paid around $300 total because I got extra inserts and a wet bag and extra diapers for washing just in case. Once I had these diapers that is $200 dollars or more every month of savings not spending it on disposables! Then I would have these diapers for my other kids too and save.Thast 2,400 a year I'm saving until they are potty trained! 

   Second Reason  Saving the environment. Over 20 billion disposable diapers are dumped into landfills each year at more than 3.5 million tons of waste. They take 500 years to decompose and not to mention the cutting down of trees. I also get irritated with electronic waste and things too but that a whole different conversation. Its ridiculous and i as a consumer of disposable diapers was kind of blinded to that. Feel free to read more about it here...  http://www.livestrong.com/article/149890-environmental-impact-of-disposable-diapers/
   
  Third reason    I'm a stay at home mom. I have the convenience and ease of doing this without added worry although I know several working moms who cloth diaper and their day care providers allow it and I dont see  why they shouldn't allow it. This difference is you take it off and throw in trash or take it off and throw in bin to wash later. 

Fourth Reason   So stinking cute!!! There are all kinds of cute prints and designs the boundaries are endless. Most of the summer I just let my boys run around in their diapers because who wants to cover them up? 

Fifth Reason  They are so versatile.... you can get one size diaper that can last on a child from 7-40lbs. All you have to do is adjust snaps. You can get velcro, you can get snaps different insert materials. You can get pocket diapers, just covers and inserts, ALL in ones, All in ones 2,its seriously endless!

       Is cloth diapering a little more work than disposables? The answer is yes, when they poop you got to dump it in the toilet or wipe it off with poop spoon or sprayer before you wash (except breast fed babies since its water soluble) you have an extra load of diaper wash to your laundry week every 2 -3 days.  Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! I'll also admit when i go places for really long periods of time outside of my house, I'll bring disposables so I wont have to carry a poopy diaper in my bag or whatever, but  that's just a personal choice of mine. I still go most places with them wearing cloth. Having 2 under 2 at one point in time though when going places wasn't an option with out help it has been so nice. I love looking for ways to save money and this is what has helped us save!!!!  Contact me if you want to cloth diaper your child because It always helps to have someone know the ins and outs so you don't get overwhelmed!  

MYOB: Pro Mom-Choice

I'm pro Mom-Choice.

This means I support moms in the choices they make that they feel are best for their family. Every child and every family is so different, of course all of us won't make the same choices.

I decided I was pro mom-choice when I wanted to breastfeed my oldest son. Breastfeeding comes so easily to some moms but it definitely wasn't easy for me! He wouldn't latch and according to everything I read and everyone I talked to, if Andrew wasn't getting my milk then I was a bad mom. So I pumped. 

Pumping around the clock, stressing about the next feeding and having a severe lack of sleep for 6 months played a huge role in my postpartum depression. At 6 months I finally stopped pumping and gave him formula. Guess what? He was just as happy and as healthy as ever. My mental health improved. I was more patient, more kind, and wanted to bond with my son. And I wish with all of my heart I could go back and tell myself that it would be ok to supplement. Because when I did, I became a better mom. Maybe then I wouldn't have had suicidal thoughts. Maybe then I would have actually enjoyed the first months of Drew's life. 

But I was scared. I was afraid of what people would think. I didn't want to be labeled as a bad mom. When did motherhood become such a competition? 

Now don't get me wrong. I fully support breastfeeding. In fact, I just celebrated 6 months of happily breastfeeding my second son, and don't plan on stopping any time soon. 

But I also support formula feeding moms. I fully support them. Because they aren't starving their child. They are doing their very best. They are NOT lazy. They don't love their child any less. They are doing what they feel is best for them. I have heard other breastfeeding moms referring to formula as the "f-word" and looking down on moms who don't even try to breastfeed. But why? It's not poison. It is a modern miracle, and has saved many lives. Breast IS best, but it's not going toward college credit or on their resume. You can't walk into a preschool and tell me who was Breastfed and who was formula fed. 

Yes, breastfeeding has SO MANY benefits. But you are not a bad mom if you do not, or cannot breastfeed. 

I know moms that were sexually abused and breastfeeding brought back terrible memories. I know moms like me, who tried, but it just didn't work out. I know moms who are on life saving medication that cannot breastfeed. And I know moms who just don't want to, for one reason or another. And that is ok!

It's not your child. It's not your choice to make. It's not your judgment to make. MYOB. Mind Your Own Baby. 

Being a mom is hard enough. Why make it harder by putting each other down? 

I think this applies to so much more than breastfeeding. Circumcision, organic foods, baby LED weaning, co-sleeping, vaccinations, hospital or home birth, etc. 

There are things like this that I feel so strongly about. I fully support certain things that a lot of moms don't. And that's ok. I don't agree with your choice, but you feel it's best for YOUR family. I'm sure you have your reasons like I have mine. So I support the fact that you are doing your very best as a mother. And you should NOT be ashamed of that! 

As mothers we all have the same goal. We want healthy and happy children. But what kind of example are we setting when we put each other down for making the best choice for us individually? Why can't we just say, "It's not for me, but if it works for you then go for it! High fives all around! And if you run into a struggle, I'll be here to listen to you vent without judgement!" Only in a perfect world, right?

So instead I'm trying to avoid judging and start supporting. Just because one mom doesn't vaccinate doesn't mean I still can't take my boys to be vaccinated! 

MYOB. Mind Your Own Baby. 

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Happy National Homemade Cookie Day!

I love fall, I'm not a big fan of winter but I love fall and fall recipes are the best part. I've been saving this can of pumpkin since last year (yep you read it right) It has been staring at me for a year just waiting for the right season and I am excited to say I can start my fall recipes. 

I love pumpkin everything, I tend to be a pumpkin snob and buy what I can of it before its gone for the season hehe. So expect lots of pumpkin posts in the future.

This can of pumpkin has been looking at me for a year and I finally got to use it yesterday. It's just beginning to get cold  here in Utah. The leaves are changing and we have gotten some much needed rain storms. It's so nice to have the storm out side and cookies in the oven.

(Please ignore the label on my pictures they are from an old blog and I couldn't remove it for some reason)

This is one of my favorite cookie recipes, and yes if you are starting to notice I have a lot of favorites. 

I make a full batch of cookies but with there being only 3 of us we often don't eat all of them at once. What I like to do is freeze half the dough so I can pull it out and make some later. I just place spoonfuls on a cooking sheet like you would do if you were going to bake them, except you can place them closer together. Place the cookie sheet in the freezer for 30 minutes or so just until the dough balls are frozen. Pull them out of the freezer and put the dough balls into a freezer zip lock bag. Label the bag of course and freeze until your ready to use them. When you want to cook them pull out what you need and let them sit on a cookie sheet for a few minutes then bake as usual. Now you can get fresh cookies with out all the fuss each time. This so far has worked with every cookie recipe I have made.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

2 cups brown sugar

1 cup oil

2 cups canned pumpkin

2 tsp vanilla extract

4 cups flour

2 tsp baking powder

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp ginger

2 cups of chocolate chips (semi sweet or milk which ever you like)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix brown sugar, salt, oil,pumpkin and vanilla. Add dry ingredients and stir until smooth. Add chocolate chips. Drop on greased or parchment covered cookie sheet and bake on top rack for 14-16 minutes.

So basic yet wonderful!