Depression is Lonely: But You Are Not Alnoe

I am one in seven.

I am that one in a group of seven mothers that has experienced postpartum depression.

While those other moms were easing into motherhood so gracefully, I was the one who wouldn't even look at my baby when I fed him. 

 I cried endlessly. I felt hopeless, restless, and rage like I have never experienced. It was a kind of darkness that was so real, I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. It was heavy, and hard. 

I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok. But the longer I hid it the worse it got. 

I just felt completely off. 

(If you think you might be suffering from PPD, check out this great Postpartum Depression checklist HERE.) 

But the moment I opened up about my condition on facebook, I was so surprised at the number of women who told me they had PPD too. And knowing I wasn't alone was my final push for me to get some help.

So why didn't anyone tell me? 

Why didn't my doctor talk to me about postpartum anxiety? Or postpartum psychosis? I didn't even know it was a real thing. 

Why didn't anyone warn me about the dark side that can accompany motherhood? 

One in seven seems like such a high number. So why does PPD feel so lonely? 

(Awesome shirt made by Designs by Dee!) 

What would have happened to 

me if I had kept it to myself? I thought I was a monster. I thought my husband and son were better off without me. 

The moment I went to my doctor I was treated very well right away. They took me seriously. They called to see how I was doing. A few of the nurses even told me there own experiences with PPD. 

If I had know then what I know now, I wouldn't have tried to hide it. I wouldn't have suffered and made my family suffer for so long. Because it does affect your family. 

It is also important to know that going to see your doctor doesn't mean you'll get better right away. The recovery can take months and even years. The important thing is that it is being addressed and you are being heard and cared for. 

Depression for anyone is usually lonely. But you're not alone. Why is that? 

One friend who has battled depression for years recently explained it to me very well.

"We feel isolated in our own brains. Most forms of depression are chemical imbalances. So it the deficiency makes us feel small. Which makes us feel unimportant and alone." 

I think feeling alone is one of the scariest, most empty feelings. And that is why I choose to speak up about my experience with PPD. I don't want another mom to have to go through what I did. Those who are struggling at least need to know that they are not alone. PPD is SO common, but it is rarely spoken of. 

Growing up I had multiple friends that struggled with depression as teenagers that carried into adulthood. My experience was short compared to the years they have spent fighting depression. I can't imagine the years of isolation and loneliness they must have felt. Depression is something hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself. 

My mom once described depression as cancer of the mind. It's an invisible illness that affects your whole life. 

We cannot fight the negative stigma of mental illness if we stay silent. Which is why I joined The Climb. I want to help improve postpartum care, PPD awareness, and the overall stigma on mental illness. If you are currtenly suffering, a survivor, in recovery, or want to support someone you know suffering, you can join The Climb here. 

Surviving Hyperemesis Gravidarum

May 15th (today) is HG awareness day.

I know they have awareness days for everything. But this one is especially important to me and to my family. I am especially writing this in honor of those mothers and precious babies who did not survive HG. And I pray that one day we will find a cause and a cure. 

A dear friend recently suggested writing a "survival guide" to HG. I love the idea, and as I though about it, read about it and talked with other survivors about it, I came up with a few key survival tips I want to share. 

1 in 7 mothers with HG end their pregnancy in abortion. 80% of women experience morning sickness, but only 2% of those women experience HG. It is so severe that it becomes life threatening for the mother and child, and is completely unbearable. It is draining, both physically and emotionally. 

The most common symptoms of HG are: 

• Constant violent vomiting

• Not being able to hold down any foods or liquids

• Severe dehydration requiring IV fluids and medication 

• hospitalization due to dehydration 

• Weightloss of 5% or more of your body weight 

• Malnutrition 

Tip #1. 

Find a good doctor. If your doctor is not listening to you, or not providing proper care, you NEED to find one that will. This is key because proper care can make all the difference in your experience and in the overall health of you and your baby. HelpHER.org has a list of good HG doctors in cities all over the country. 

I'm positive that if I didn't have such a great doctor who not only listened but understood what was happening and knew how to treat it, we would have lost Benjamin before I was even 10 weeks along. 

Tip #2. 

Build a good support system. I cannot imagine going through HG alone. Having friends and family who support you, help you, and listen to you on those hard days are SO important for your mental health. Being so sick can be frustrating and depressing. It's important to reach out to those who support you most and keep them close. 

I know we are often met with friends and family who think it can be cured with crackers and ginger. Some even go as far as accusing us of making it all up. My best advice for this is to not subject yourself to that. Send them the link to HelpHER.org, have a talk with them, do whatever you need to, but don't listen to them for one minute. Being that sick is hard enough. It's worse when those close to you bring negative thoughts and feelings. 

There are actually several HG support groups on Facebook that I found extremely helpful. It's nice to talk to someone who truly gets it. It's hard to understand HG until you have had it yourself. And it's nice to compare PICC line scars and discuss Zofran pumps and vomit stories. They just get it. And for some women, that is all the support they have. 

Tip #3. 

Listen to your body. If you even think that you might need to go in for an IV, GO! I once was so dehydrated I didn't pee for 24 hours. I was way past the point I needed IV fluids. I promise that even if you are only a little dehydrated, getting fluids in you will help you feel so much better. 

Don't be afraid to take medication, especially if it is going to save your life and your baby's life.

 Rest. Don't over do it or you could trigger more vomiting. 

Tip #4. 

If you have had an HG pregnancy in the past, and are planning to have another baby, I highly recommend planning ahead before you get pregnant. Make freezer meals, invest in plastic bowls, plates and utensils, arrange emergency childcare for any older children, arrange for some help with the housework, and come up with a treatment plan with your doctor. 

Tip #5. 

ASK FOR AND ACCEPT HELP! Don't wait until you are already frustrated and angry to ask for help. Don't turn down help when you know you need it. HG is a long and hard road. You are going to need help at some point, and that is ok. No one wants you to do the dishes when you are puking your guts out anyway. 

Tip #6.

Remember, it is all worth it. It is literally 9 months of hell for a lifetime of happiness. You are not alone. 

Our "normal" Trip to the Zoo

  Every Saturday we try to do an activity together as a family. Thankfully my husband has weekends off and since we don't see him much during the week we are grateful for this time together. We had never been to the local zoo here yet with the boys and we had a coupon of course, so we decided to go. 

  We got there right when it opened,it was a beautiful day. We got started walking. We brought a double stroller for the boys just in case the zoo was too much. Immediately my boys wanted out of the stroller and walked to the exhibits all on their own.  They loved seeing the animals and being out in a new environment was an adventure for them.

  As we continued exploring the zoo and going from exhibit to exhibit I couldn't help notice something. My 3yr old Shane who has heart defects, wanted to take breaks and ride in the stroller. I probably wouldn't of thought twice about this if he was the only child . His 2yr old brother wasn't slowing down at all. When I offered the stroller to him when Shane would get in Jeremy refused. Jeremy has a healthy heart. He didn't stop once wanting the stroller till the very end when nap time over took him.

  Of course I knew Shane had heart defects. We suffered with hospital visits and surgeries his first year of life. I always knew he gets a little more fatigued running around our house. SO why did Shane's frequent need to sit in the stroller surprise me so much? I guess it's because as the appointments get few and far between I "forget"? I also see him as a young boy now and not a baby who's activity level is quite different now! As Shane grows his precious heart is taking on more and I'm learning his new "normal" activity level. 

  These moments In life I want to be "normal" and for the most part they are. It's just a reminder once again of my sons fight with CHD in infancy and daily with every heart beat he takes. I hate being reminded of more open heart surgeries to come and think of the pain he will be in, the caution in his daily activities he will need to take. I'm grateful his condition is "fixable" and that he will continue on and be with us as long as he is monitored by doctors. Shane will always be behind his younger brother in energy level, but that doesn't mean he can't just take a break and continue on like Shane does. We still had a great time at the zoo no stroller ride will stop that. I will soak up these times as much as I can. I love being these boys mom.

Emily😃

Assuming The Worst

Happy Friday!

An interesting topic was brought to my attention this week. 

It's about how people (myself included) assume things, and then we assume that assumption is real, and end up hurting our own feelings. 

I am so guilty of this!! 

Example: A few years ago, someone acted a certain way around me and I automatically assumed it was because she didn't like me or it was something I did. I then became offended that I thought she didn't like me. A few weeks later I learned her mom was just diagnosed with cancer and my friend was trying to hold back tears, not avoid me! 

But I was so hurt by what I assumed that 

I was beating myself up over it. I was thinking of all the things I could have done wrong to upset her when in reality it had nothig to do with me. And now I'm feeling pretty sheepish about it. 

I think this is where technology and social media come into play.

How often do we judge how someone is feeling or thinking or even speaking when we cannot hear their voice or read their body language? That is left completely up to our imagination. 

I once made a humble suggestion on my favorite blogger's instagram. People were complaining that she never answers their comments. But this woman is a busy mom with a job and five kids, and I suggested that maybe she had her hands full and was too busy to write back to every single comment. 

I then recieved a message from one of the commenters telling me that she was shocked at my "tone of voice" and that I should be ashamed for talking like that. 

Wait... Unless her phone has a cool feature where she can hear a "tone" when reading comments, how on earth would she be able to know how I meant to say it? I never meant to sound rude at all. But she didn't believe me. She just knew it sounded mean in her head and she chose to let what she thought I said hurt her feelings. 

I see this all the time on Facebook mommy groups. 

And I do agree that being offended IS a choice. 

But I also don't want anyone to think that justifies bullying in any way. I think there is a big difference between stating an opinion and flat out bullying. And just because someone can choose to be or not to be offended, doesn't mean it is ever ok. 

This is where I am trying really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

Maybe it's just a bad day. Maybe it's been a rough year. Maybe they have had a rough life. I don't know. But I do know that I'm going to try harder not to let my own assumptions hurt my own feelings.