I am that one in a group of seven mothers that has experienced postpartum depression.
While those other moms were easing into motherhood so gracefully, I was the one who wouldn't even look at my baby when I fed him.
I cried endlessly. I felt hopeless, restless, and rage like I have never experienced. It was a kind of darkness that was so real, I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. It was heavy, and hard.
I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok. But the longer I hid it the worse it got.
I just felt completely off.
(If you think you might be suffering from PPD, check out this great Postpartum Depression checklist HERE.)
But the moment I opened up about my condition on facebook, I was so surprised at the number of women who told me they had PPD too. And knowing I wasn't alone was my final push for me to get some help.
So why didn't anyone tell me?
Why didn't my doctor talk to me about postpartum anxiety? Or postpartum psychosis? I didn't even know it was a real thing.
Why didn't anyone warn me about the dark side that can accompany motherhood?
One in seven seems like such a high number. So why does PPD feel so lonely?
(Awesome shirt made by Designs by Dee!)
What would have happened to
me if I had kept it to myself? I thought I was a monster. I thought my husband and son were better off without me.
The moment I went to my doctor I was treated very well right away. They took me seriously. They called to see how I was doing. A few of the nurses even told me there own experiences with PPD.
If I had know then what I know now, I wouldn't have tried to hide it. I wouldn't have suffered and made my family suffer for so long. Because it does affect your family.
It is also important to know that going to see your doctor doesn't mean you'll get better right away. The recovery can take months and even years. The important thing is that it is being addressed and you are being heard and cared for.
Depression for anyone is usually lonely. But you're not alone. Why is that?
One friend who has battled depression for years recently explained it to me very well.
"We feel isolated in our own brains. Most forms of depression are chemical imbalances. So it the deficiency makes us feel small. Which makes us feel unimportant and alone."
I think feeling alone is one of the scariest, most empty feelings. And that is why I choose to speak up about my experience with PPD. I don't want another mom to have to go through what I did. Those who are struggling at least need to know that they are not alone. PPD is SO common, but it is rarely spoken of.
Growing up I had multiple friends that struggled with depression as teenagers that carried into adulthood. My experience was short compared to the years they have spent fighting depression. I can't imagine the years of isolation and loneliness they must have felt. Depression is something hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself.
My mom once described depression as cancer of the mind. It's an invisible illness that affects your whole life.
We cannot fight the negative stigma of mental illness if we stay silent. Which is why I joined The Climb. I want to help improve postpartum care, PPD awareness, and the overall stigma on mental illness. If you are currtenly suffering, a survivor, in recovery, or want to support someone you know suffering, you can join The Climb here.
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