I loved you the moment I knew you existed. I loved you through all the puking, every IV, every pound lost and every ache in my hips. I counted your kicks and the days until you arrived. I was young but I was so excited to be your Mommy.
I had your name all picked out until the first night I dreamed about you. We were going to call you Caden. I dreamed you your name was Andrew, (Drew for short) which has been my favorite boy name since high school. From that moment on I couldn't call you anything but Andrew. Andrew means warrior and guardian. And it fits you so well, my little Drew Bear.
On the day you were born I was scared out of my mind. You came out all perfect and new. You didn't cry at all. I remember the nurse rubbing you and telling me you had dimples. Oh, how I love your dimples! But you still never cried. You were so calm and curious. Daddy handed you to me and your giant blue eyes looked up at me like no one has ever looked at me before.
I remember trying to nurse you. You screamed. It made my heart hurt. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. You were happier with a bottle. But I couldn't give you formula. I didn't want to be labeled a bad mom. So I pumped.
I wanted to bond with you. I wanted to play and dress you up and sing to you every day. But I felt like such a bad mom. You were so perfect. You deserved the best and I didn't feel like I measured up. I can remember your tiny eyes watching me as I fed you. But I looked away. I can't explain why. I loved you more than anything. But I felt like I was failing you already. I was exhausted. Pumping milk for you was the only thing I seemed to get right. All I did was cry and sleep. I had Postpartum Depression. And I am so, so sorry. I know you probably don't remember. But I do.
The guilt I feel for not being there for you mentally and emotionally is crippling. I feel so guilty for not being the kind of mom I wanted to be. It tears me up to think about how absent I was your first four months. I had thoughts of hurting myself. Leaving you with your grandma so you'd be safe and then disappearing. I hated myself. I wanted to be a model super-mom and I was so exhausted physically and mentally that the most I could do was basic motions. Feed you, change you, clean you, put you to sleep. Snap a happy picture so no one would guess. All of that completely burnt me out.
I barely took care of myself. I hardly showered, makeup and hair required standing so long and I was too tired for that. I just wanted to sleep. I was so scared something would happen to you so I never let anyone else watch you. I was your mom and it was my job. I shouldn't need help, right? Oh, how I wish I had asked for help sooner.
I never ever want you to think it was your fault. It is no ones fault. It was a hormonal imbalance. There is nothing anyone really could have done. And as much as I wish I didn't get it, I did. It was a big trial for me. I just wish it didn't have to impact you too.
(Drew and I when I was 8 months pregnant with my second boy. Drew was 15 months old.)
I'm sorry I almost gave in to the darkness. I'm so sorry I didn't go see my doctor sooner. I hold you in my lap now, a big two year old boy, and I wish I could squish you back into a small baby so I can start over. I would give anything to have those days back with you. It took me so long to feel like we were bonding.
I'm so glad I am your Mommy. I love you and your brother more than anything and I'm so excited to watch you both grow. I love your hugs and kisses. I love your singing and your silly sense of humor. I love how kind you are. I love how incredibly smart and observant you are. I love your strong will. I love your cute little voice when you say, "Mommy? Hold you?" I love your dimpled smile.
But all of that is in the past now. I'M BACK. And I'm so excited to finally be the Mommy I always wanted to be. I'm so glad I got help before it was too late. I'm so proud to call you my son. And I hope someday I can fully forgive myself for those first four months. As much as I would love to go back and fix it, I cannot. I can only nourish the bond we have now and cherish every second I have with you.
Thank you for loving me through it all. You were my light in dark places. I don't know what I'd do without my little Warrior.
Love always,
Mommy
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