I felt so guilty for all that I missed with my first son. All the days I spent crying, sleeping, and dragging myself through day to day. I wanted to do everything I could to avoid putting me and my family through that again.
I know before some moms give birth, they write up a birth plan. A birth plan is basically a document that tells your medical team how you would like your labor and delivery to go. Of course, you cannot always control every aspect of labor and delivery, so it is important to stay flexible and open to changes in case things don't go according to plan. I pretty much wanted to do the same thing, only for after I had my baby.
I sat down with my husband and we came up with a list of things that we could have done to help me with my first postpartum recovery. Things like going outside, getting more rest/sleep, letting people help me, making time for me and for date nights with my husband a priority, setting realistic expectations and goals for myself, and remaining flexible if something did go wrong.
I made a list of people I could call if I needed help, along with their phone numbers and available hours.
I made small goals for myself. For example, a week after Benjamin was born my goal was to spend at least 15 minutes outside three times a week. I could do it in five minute intervals, I could spend even longer outside if I wanted to, but I could not spend less than my goal. The sunshine and fresh air helped relax me and make me feel semi-normal. It was a cool and sunny April. My oldest loved to toddle around the yard, and my new born watch safely from my arms. No matter how brief, it always felt really good to be outside and just enjoy that big blue sky.
I set realistic expectations. With my first boy, breastfeeding didn't work out and I ended up pumping for six months because I had an irrational fear of formula, thanks to social media and mommy wars. Pumping was extremely hard on me. This time I promised myself that I would give breastfeeding my best shot. I wasn't going to leave the hospital without double checking with the LC that he had a correct latch and that I was doing it right. I stalked up on breastfeeding essentials. I read everything on breastfeeding that I could get my hands on. And if all else failed and formula was best for my son, I would proudly be a formula feeder knowing that I was giving my son the best that I could. (Because, you know, fed is best.)
I allowed myself to heal. Having a baby can be hard on a body, physically and emotionally. I'm not saying you need to be a total couch potato. If you feel well enough to be up and moving then I highly recommend it. I felt SO good after I had Ben and stopped throwing up. I had so much energy that I hadn't had in months! Listen to your body. Don't overdo it. Sometimes I would put my oldest down for a nap, sit down to nurse my baby, close my eyes and just relax. Those were such peaceful afternoons. I didn't stress over messes. I knew I'd get to them eventually, and if I didn't I knew my husband would. It was more important that I heal properly than it was to have a spotless house.
My husband helped make a break schedule for me. On certain days that he was available, he would watch the boys for an hour or two while I either went to the store by myself (forget Disneyland, that was a REAL vacation for me!) or took a nap to get some rest. I didn't like to be gone for more than 45 minutes if I went out for fear that my breastfed baby would refuse a bottle and be starving. But those 45 minutes of getting out of the house were so good for my mental health. I remember wandering our local dollar tree in my running sweats and just enjoying the cheesy music and the fact that no one was screaming at me for food or running from me while I tried to change a diaper.
I also tried to make time for me. Crafting and reading were my getaways. Even if it meant missing out on an hour of precious sleep every once in a while, it was worth the sacrifice to see something I worked hard on and made myself. It's a great feeling creating something with your own two hands. It meant I was tired the next day, but it made me so happy doing what I loved.
I also made a list of things to watch for in my moods. Rage, anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, unexplainable sadness, not bonding with my baby, basically shutting down and going on to autopilot.
I allowed myself to have bad days. After you have a baby your hormones can get out of wack trying to adjust, and sometimes bad days just happen. And that's okay. I just took it one day at a time and always tried to do better the next day.
The moment Tyler or anyone else mentioned I wasn't acting myself, I was to go see my doctor ASAP. I know some moms might choose to try to fight it on their own before seeing a doctor. And that is fine. I just know for me that it didn't work last time. It got worse despite my efforts and it almost ended badly. I didn't want to risk that at all. My husband and my sons deserved a healthy, happy wife and mommy. I was not going to take any more chances.
I took time to make myself feel pretty. I showered at least every day, if not every other day. I at least brushed my hair and pulled it out of the way. I always wore a little makeup too. Not to impress anyone, but to make me feel important in my role as a mother. I know my boys didn't care if I was dressed up, but it made me feel human. It also helped my self-esteem, especially when I was over eating as if my body was scared to starve again. (I gained all my baby weight after I delivered.) When I got the OK from my doctor, and felt well enough to do it, I started doing simple exercises to heal my Diastasis Recti (more on that later!) and going for walks. And by "going for walks" I mean walking up and down my basement stairs for half an hour at a time because going for a walk with a nursing newborn and active toddler is crazy. I also tried to be patient with myself as I worked on losing that after-baby weight.
I also came up with a plan with my doctor before I delivered about what kind of medication and treatment I wanted to do if I needed that kind of help. It was nice to know my options and to know that I had a good support system ready, just in case my post-birth plan failed.
I would also like to mention the option of placenta encapsulation. I know several mothers who have consumed their placenta in various ways and they say it helped a lot with their postpartum recovery, as well as avoiding PPD. I personally do not choose this for my own personal reasons, but I know several amazing mothers who have and it has worked well for them. I would like to point out though, that it is NOT a guarantee. Someone close to me tried placenta encapsulation and she still got severe PPD. And because everyone else swore it would be a cure, it made her feel even worse, as if she was a hopeless case. I don't want any mother to ever feel that way, so if you choose to do this, please know that it works differently for everyone.
I am happy to say that, for the most part, my post-birth plan worked. I still ran into a small bout of depression when Benjamin was about four months old, but thanks to my plan it was quickly addressed and I as well cared for and recovered a lot faster than I did the first time. But my overall postpartum experience was SO much better than it was the first time. I am now ten months postpartum and I feel amazing. I bonded with my new son. I successfully nursed him for nine months (which was three months longer than my original goal), I felt well enough to do fun things with my toddler, and I didn't hate myself. I actually loved myself through my healing process. I had some good days, some bad days, and some crazy days where I wanted to rip my hair out, but it was all a breeze compared to my first recovery. This time I DID feel on top of the world. It was crazy and overwhelming and hard, but it was so, so beautiful. I actually miss my son being a tiny newborn. I miss it so much. I couldn't say that about my oldest boy. Those early days were hard on me.
I wrote my post-birth plan based on my personal needs and made sure every area of concern had a plan and was covered. I signed it, and my husband signed it. Just to make it official and kind of "seal the deal." Do what works for you and what you feel is best. Be kind to yourself, and don't ever be afraid to get help.
Don't forget to follow me on Instagram @diariesofasupermom for more posts on PPD and how you can help raise awareness.
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