My oldest turned 5 today. I still can't believe it. I can't believe 5 years ago I was just learning all about this whole mommy thing. I don't want to say I'm the best mom and that I have it all figured out today, but I'm doing the best I can and that's ok with me. Here is something I wrote when she turned one. That first year is a crazy one!!!
One year to the minute I was in my 7th hour of labor. I was crying from pain. (remember I didn't get an epi until 12 hours in...). I was scared to death that these 9 months had come and gone. I was going to have to be responsible for more than just myself. I was going to have a screaming (hopefully), beautiful (obviously) baby girl (if all predictions were right). I was finally able to see this precious bundle in all her glory: touch her soft skin, smell her sweet smell. I also was coming to the reality that I now had to share her. She was no longer just mine, she would soon be the worlds. Daddy would want to see her, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, friends. She no longer would be "my baby." I was going to be alone again (kinda). One year ago, I had heard of all the changes in my life that were about to come forth. I knew as soon as I saw her "I'd fall in love." I didn't know how deep that love could be, what it could make you do.
I didn't know the deep gratitude I would have to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such an amazing miracle. I didn't know that I would one day be covered in poop, spit up, pee, yet be smiling and laughing, for my daughter laughed at her diaper flinging across the room. I didn't know that signing the discharge papers for her as "mother" would throw chills down my spine. One year ago, I wasn't aware of this secret club going on known as motherhood. One year ago I was so excited that I wouldn't be responsible for anything bad that would happen because of my diabetes. Having her out of me, in my vision, was going to be such a relief. Now, I would give anything to be able to protect her that way again. I wish I could cover her up every time she fell. I wish I could eat 3 meals a day, drink water, and get enough sleep and know I was doing everything in my power to protect her. Now, I only wish it was that simple.
A year ago, I never cared about babies. I had never changed a diaper. I had never held a newborn longer than a minute, let alone change its clothes or burped it. I didn't know breastfeeding would be one of the hardest challenges I'd face this year, but one of the most rewarding when we were finally successful. I didn't know I would cry when I no longer produced enough milk to satisfy her and I knew these moments that were just ours were going to be over forever. I never know how much I could cry and cry and cry about her reaching a milestone, because it meant that she had finally succeeded, but was also getting more independent with each one.
I didn't realize how she would change my relationship with my husband. We have learned to compromise. We have learned to care about more than just ourselves. I have learned that I married one of the kindest men out there. He is so in love with Zoey. A year ago, I didn't know how much I wouldn't mind seeing him light up when he kissed another girl--how much I would love seeing his eyes look only at her in a way I have never seen before. I was scared of loosing "us." We never lost us, we just made it better. I didn't know how much I'd hate going in public with him and not have my darling daughter, because people wouldn't know that I'm a mom, he is a dad. They wouldn't know this sweet little girl was mine. I didn't realize I'd feel guilty of being somewhere and they not know I'm a mom.
I've been bit, puked on, pooped on, kicked, and bonked. I've been attacked with kisses and ran to as soon as I walked in the room. I've been loved in a way I'll never be able to explain. I've had my heart riped out, only to beat in another. I've felt God's love on this earth. I've seen the world in a new, amazing light. I am honored to be called a mom, and be blessed with such an amazing daughter. I now know what love is, what it can do. I am eternally grateful to be able to say that yes, this crazy, screaming, opinionated little girl is mine.
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