**** please read with an open heart***
One of my coworkers this past week brought my life into perspective. She is the sweetest, kindest, person who wasn't judging me when she said this, she was talking about a few close friends of hers, she most likely doesn't realize the affect the conversation had. She said she didn't understand how people who used to so strongly believe in the LDS faith can fall away and she didn't want that for her and her husband.
I'm ashamed to say I can answer that question. I have not totally turned my life away from the teaching of the Lord. I still attend church regularly, I serve in my calling faithfully, I teach my children to pray to sing, I pray and I pray, yet I'm not the person I know I should be.
The truth is, it is easier to be what people want you to be. My husband has never been really active. I believe the actions that made me believe we'd have eternal happiness were filled with great intention but short lived. It is easier to stay home than to go to a place you are uncomfortable. Also the more church you miss regardless of the reason makes it harder to go back to church. It's easier to say and do what everyone else is doing. I am 29 years old, the pressure I feel from my husband is worse than when I was in high school. When my relationship with my husband unraveled a few years ago I found myself trying to conform to what he seemed to want. I became someone I hate. The truth is it was easer in that moment to change me instead of him. My life seemed easier to make my beliefs take the back burner.
To be honest with myself, I have taken the easier road. I have straid. I have been bouncing back and forth over the line of being faithful and being someone else for far to long. As I prayed to my Father in Heaven today I made a promise to my self to be honest with myself. Are the things I'm doing, not doing, and saying reflecting how I feel on the inside. I was reminded today from a sister in the ward that change is hard, I will fail before I succeed. I will try and try again.
My favorite sin to over come this week is my language. I will say clean things and have clean thoughts, I will do my best to make others comfortable around me.
Thank you Morgan for making me be honest with myself. I want to be happy, I want to find forgiveness, I want my children to have the relationship with there Father in Heaven that I used to have. I know what is right and what is wrong, I just need to make better choices. I know I can be forgiven by my Savior if I ask with a changed heart. don'tI know my savior lives and loves me. I can do hard things.
I'm playdoh, I morph into whatever the people around me need to be. And I struggle with being who I need me to be. I know my relationship with the Savior and my faith could and should be stronger. Please do not feel like you are alone. You are never alone. I don't feel like I belong or am wanted in my ward, and it's very hard to go. My husband's schedule is terrible and I would rather he sleep after his night shift, than go to church and zombie his way thru it. My favorite sin I'm working on this week (and have been for months) is my anger. Please, Michelle, do not ever think you are alone.
ReplyDelete