Grief: survivor of suicide and tragic loss..

As much happiness surrounds me at this time it hasn't always been that way.
Four years ago on March 25th I lost three of my closest, most looked up to, cherished, heroes, and loved ones to a suicide/murder tragedy.
I am numb thinking of those events that day and the days that followed.
I went through all stages of grief over and over.

1. Denial 
2. Anger 
3. Bargaining
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

I know the pain of each stage and the real heart ache of it all.
I was stuck in a hard, dark  place longer then I should have been. It was hard to get out of it.
My trail and struggle through the grief is a long story.
What got me through was finally accepting what had happened. Even with it happening I still had my Father in Heaven. That had not changed. I still had the family I did have, that did not change. I took some big steps to turn myself away from that darkness and now I have my husband, the gospel, and a baby on the way!
I had to accept that even though what had happened did, it didn't change the fact that I knew my loved ones. I knew that they would have wanted me to be happy. That they would have wanted me to have faith and live the gospel I believed in.

Grief never ends... but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... it is the price of love.



Most days I look to Heaven in so much love I have for my loved ones. Some days are hard though, and I still ask why. I still am mad that it happened. I still wish for them back. But I know that families are eternal and I have answers from God that they will be there no matter what watching over me and my family.

I have survived this. I have triumphed through the hardest thing to go through. I have my Heavenly Father by my side. I have Angels watching over. I am full of love that this time for the love that was and the love is and the new love I have.

"Even After all this time, I still can't believe you are gone."

"I loved you yesterday. I love you still always have always will!"

"Nothing is the same I wish you were here"

"I'm thankful for every moment I had with you. Every tear, laughter, and smile. Those memories will remain with me for the rest of my days"

"I walk down memory lane because I know that I'll run into you there."

"Some days the memories still knock the wind out of me.."

"No wheel chairs needed in heaven!"

"You are missed each and every day. For you were someone special who meant more than words can say."

"You left this world but forgot to tell my heart how to live without you"

"My heart is full of memories with pride I speak your name though life goes on without you it will never be the same."

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal."

"Thinking of you is easy, I do it everyday missing you is the heartache that never goes away."

"A smile can hide the tears, a laugh can hide the pain, but nothing stops the longing for having you back again"

"The tears in my eyes I can wipe away the ache in my heart there it will always stay"

"To say I miss you is an understatement."

"Since heaven has become your home I sometimes feel I'm so alone, but one day all the pain will cease when God restores this missing piece."

"although you can't be here with me we're truly not apart you'll be living in my heart"



I would never wish anyone to loose a close loved one in such away. My heart just aches and relates in a way I wish I didn't have to...

Forever in my hearts Kathy, Jim and Erik! <3

For today I allow myself to grieve.